The first callous moment had today was one that grew as I drank a glass of orange juice. Sure, I was refreshed to a point but that couldn't whisk my me away from the thought that these oranges had been squeezed to death and that I was drinking their milky blood.
These moments of derivative thought continued until i was finally able to wrestle them down with a flask full of brandy. Even then i knew it was a bandage on a stitch-worthy wound, but when you're howling for morphine even a punch in the dick will help numb the pain.
The first punch in the dick came as a friend of mine found me in the trench and just started really punching me in the dick. It really hurt.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Thursday, March 10, 2016
February 4, 1964: The Winter of Love
February 4, 1964 marked the culmination of a blustery winter season that has been hence dubbed the, "Winter of Love." For 24 hours the snowy peaks of the Rockies melted away as people really got super hot with it and fucked each other with machine guns taken from military officials putting down protests on American colleges.
Damn.
Damn.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Recipe For Guacamole
Guacamole is a traditional human paste made out of the crushed corpses of the Avocado beings. Generally the crushed beings are slowly stirred and pounded with a dash of chili powder and garlic. Lime juice also helps the mixture from browning. The taste that these ingredients form is one that human kind has found appetizing for many years.
The Avocado are little tiny people who look like little fucking clumsy green assholes while they walk around. They don't speak and do not own technology, but they are just horrible to be around while they are alive. I personally think this is because the Avocado don't even have brains, but rather some large pit-like structure at their core.
My family has been herding and slaughtering these subhumans for decades now. The pain these little bastards have given us has been unforgiving and our response has been in kind. The battle has been difficult for all of us here. These things just come up to you and sort of, "Joust" all over you while you're trying to sleep. It's fucking annoying.
Anyways. Recipe for Guac.
- Three dead, crushed, mashed up, spit-on, Avocado people.
- Some onions or some shit
- Hair of the child of an Avocado mother
- Garlic
- Chile Powder
- Eyelids of an Avocado Manwarrior
The Avocado are little tiny people who look like little fucking clumsy green assholes while they walk around. They don't speak and do not own technology, but they are just horrible to be around while they are alive. I personally think this is because the Avocado don't even have brains, but rather some large pit-like structure at their core.
My family has been herding and slaughtering these subhumans for decades now. The pain these little bastards have given us has been unforgiving and our response has been in kind. The battle has been difficult for all of us here. These things just come up to you and sort of, "Joust" all over you while you're trying to sleep. It's fucking annoying.
Anyways. Recipe for Guac.
- Three dead, crushed, mashed up, spit-on, Avocado people.
- Some onions or some shit
- Hair of the child of an Avocado mother
- Garlic
- Chile Powder
- Eyelids of an Avocado Manwarrior
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Things Being Illegal
Things first started being illegal in human society once my grandfather killed a man for putting his pet midget in a headlock. That was the first illegal thing as far as the American people knew it and it has been forever after. The man put into the headlock was none other than Warwick Davis who would go on to star in such roles as Ewok in Lord of the Rings as well as "Short Man" in the second to last James Bond movie where they tortured a spy.
Illegal things have plagued society for years now. They make it harder for mothers to raise good people and it's tougher for farmers to yell at their plants. People in the old times used to own guns and shoot each other but that's illegal now and now people just steal small pieces of flesh until their enemies die unawares and without bullet wounds.
Other illegal things include: stealing cable television, buying humans, importing the wrong kind of fish into chinese harbors and generally being uncool. Being completely uncool is the most illegal thing known to modern society today because it means you don't fucking understand anything and you should just fuck the fuck off.
Illegal things have plagued society for years now. They make it harder for mothers to raise good people and it's tougher for farmers to yell at their plants. People in the old times used to own guns and shoot each other but that's illegal now and now people just steal small pieces of flesh until their enemies die unawares and without bullet wounds.
Other illegal things include: stealing cable television, buying humans, importing the wrong kind of fish into chinese harbors and generally being uncool. Being completely uncool is the most illegal thing known to modern society today because it means you don't fucking understand anything and you should just fuck the fuck off.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Joy
The last time i felt true joy was probably when my family crested the Aranke Ridge in Stattenburg, Kansas in 1874. The colors of the valley drifted in to each other like a watercolor and the birdsong glinted over it like sun on a lake. The possibilities were endless in that moment and i felt like our family would last forever.
The one bad thing about that valley in Kansas was that my brother Darrell had to take a shit really bad like right when we had that cresting-the-valley-moment and totally shit his pants and started crying. One thing about Darrell's crying is that it sounds a lot like a native indigenous person making sloppy love, so naturally we were swarmed by bonered indians within minutes who were looking to fuck, kill, fuck-kill, kill-fuck or something in-between.
Anyways, I just decide to throw in some earbuds and say "fuck it" to all of this stuff. Next thing I know I am about 2 minutes in to some random Ace of Base song and they capture me. I traded that walkman for my freedom not minutes later.
The one bad thing about that valley in Kansas was that my brother Darrell had to take a shit really bad like right when we had that cresting-the-valley-moment and totally shit his pants and started crying. One thing about Darrell's crying is that it sounds a lot like a native indigenous person making sloppy love, so naturally we were swarmed by bonered indians within minutes who were looking to fuck, kill, fuck-kill, kill-fuck or something in-between.
Anyways, I just decide to throw in some earbuds and say "fuck it" to all of this stuff. Next thing I know I am about 2 minutes in to some random Ace of Base song and they capture me. I traded that walkman for my freedom not minutes later.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Jacuzzis
There was once a man who sat himself in soup and called it relaxing. This man was Joseph T. Jacuzz. He invented the the human soup bowl and also was a street gang member in Japan where he killed many deserving victims. These days we use the jacuzzi to relax, but then? Back then we used the jacuzzi for different purposes...
The first time one can find a jacuzzi in human history is probably like 1962 when Steve McQueen was being a bitch on set and asked for a scalding room of hot water. A room. He asked for a room of boiling water. This is not something actors these days ask for but back in those days hot water was a sign of status.
The first time one can find a jacuzzi in human history is probably like 1962 when Steve McQueen was being a bitch on set and asked for a scalding room of hot water. A room. He asked for a room of boiling water. This is not something actors these days ask for but back in those days hot water was a sign of status.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Miami
Oh, Miami. Home of party times and what my friend used to call the, "bronze age". Because all of the people there are so darned bronzed and my friend felt need to mention that. I told him it wasn't necessary and that we all already got that fact and that it was honestly just obvious given how close Florida is to the equator but you know what? He insisted.
Anyways, legend has it that Miami, FL was founded on a bet between two of the most powerful people in the world. Mr. Sheep said that Miami should be hot and stuffy and Mr. Big Snowman said no it should be cold and dry. This debate lead to many meetings between the two of them, cloistered away, deliberating softly. They weren't always civil, these meetings, and sometimes they lead to heated exchanges full of shouting and doing drugs.
And by heated exchanges I mean fucking. They totally were just straight up fucking like crazy. Which also led to some little babies which meant that Big Snowman and Mr. Sheep had some kids and that was kind of like moisture in the air and they decided to start a city called Miami and that is how Miami is there.
Anyways, legend has it that Miami, FL was founded on a bet between two of the most powerful people in the world. Mr. Sheep said that Miami should be hot and stuffy and Mr. Big Snowman said no it should be cold and dry. This debate lead to many meetings between the two of them, cloistered away, deliberating softly. They weren't always civil, these meetings, and sometimes they lead to heated exchanges full of shouting and doing drugs.
And by heated exchanges I mean fucking. They totally were just straight up fucking like crazy. Which also led to some little babies which meant that Big Snowman and Mr. Sheep had some kids and that was kind of like moisture in the air and they decided to start a city called Miami and that is how Miami is there.
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