Things Being Illegal

Things first started being illegal in human society once my grandfather killed a man for putting his pet midget in a headlock.  That was the first illegal thing as far as the American people knew it and it has been forever after.  The man put into the headlock was none other than Warwick Davis who would go on to star in such roles as Ewok in Lord of the Rings as well as "Short Man" in the second to last James Bond movie where they tortured a spy.

Illegal things have plagued society for years now.  They make it harder for mothers to raise good people and it's tougher for farmers to yell at their plants.  People in the old times used to own guns and shoot each other but that's illegal now and now people just steal small pieces of flesh until their enemies die unawares and without bullet wounds.

Other illegal things include: stealing cable television, buying humans, importing the wrong kind of fish into chinese harbors and generally being uncool.  Being completely uncool is the most illegal thing known to modern society today because it means you don't fucking understand anything and you should just fuck the fuck off.

Joy

The last time i felt true joy was probably when my family crested the Aranke Ridge in Stattenburg, Kansas in 1874.  The colors of the valley drifted in to each other like a watercolor and the birdsong glinted over it like sun on a lake.  The possibilities were endless in that moment and i felt like our family would last forever.

The one bad thing about that valley in Kansas was that my brother Darrell had to take a shit really bad like right when we had that cresting-the-valley-moment and totally shit his pants and started crying.  One thing about Darrell's crying is that it sounds a lot like a native indigenous person making sloppy love, so naturally we were swarmed by bonered indians within minutes who were looking to fuck, kill, fuck-kill, kill-fuck or something in-between.

Anyways, I just decide to throw in some earbuds and say "fuck it" to all of this stuff.  Next thing I know I am about 2 minutes in to some random Ace of Base song and they capture me.  I traded that walkman for my freedom not minutes later.

Jacuzzis

There was once a man who sat himself in soup and called it relaxing.  This man was Joseph T. Jacuzz.  He invented the the human soup bowl and also was a street gang member in Japan where he killed many deserving victims.  These days we use the jacuzzi to relax, but then?  Back then we used the jacuzzi for different purposes...

The first time one can find a jacuzzi in human history is probably like 1962 when Steve McQueen was being a bitch on set and asked for a scalding room of hot water.  A room.  He asked for a room of boiling water.  This is not something actors these days ask for but back in those days hot water was a sign of status.

Miami

Oh, Miami.  Home of party times and what my friend used to call the, "bronze age".  Because all of the people there are so darned bronzed and my friend felt need to mention that.  I told him it wasn't necessary and that we all already got that fact and that it was honestly just obvious given how close Florida is to the equator but you know what?  He insisted.

Anyways, legend has it that Miami, FL was founded on a bet between two of the most powerful people in the world.  Mr. Sheep said that Miami should be hot and stuffy and Mr. Big Snowman said no it should be cold and dry.  This debate lead to many meetings between the two of them, cloistered away, deliberating softly.  They weren't always civil, these meetings, and sometimes they lead to heated exchanges full of shouting and doing drugs.

And by heated exchanges I mean fucking.  They totally were just straight up fucking like crazy.  Which also led to some little babies which meant that Big Snowman and Mr. Sheep had some kids and that was kind of like moisture in the air and they decided to start a city called Miami and that is how Miami is there.

Autumn

I love autumn because it's when all the little buggies, creepies-and-crawlies and other shelled vermin die.  They go down to the side of the Grand Canyon and they say goodbye to their loved ones before throwing themselves off the edge.  At the bottom many millions of dollars are used to scoop out millions of little graves for these things and they are put to rest forever.  These mass suicides happen because the bug-heads know they can't take the grueling toil an NFL season inflicts on the body.  They would rather die.

Autumn first started in 1954.  President Eisenhower called a secret meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and they discussed things like Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Labor Day, the color white, whether white was actually even a color.  Things like that.  They came out of the meeting both agreeing that autumn should be here for all of us.

The first autumn was a hard one.  Many people died because they did not set their clocks backwards and the extra sun killed them.  There were riots,  food fights, arm wrestles, you name it.  All caused by this new fangled autumn that no one even knew about!  Eventually they got through it and autumn stayed around.  Much to the chagrin of bug lovers everywhere.